me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
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Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
me as a parent
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.