I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
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*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park