How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
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Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.