I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
You Might Also Like
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice