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Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
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When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Pikachu found the lost joint
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
why I oughta
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly