I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
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18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
We like the way Dwight thinks
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.