How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
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4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
figuring out my emotional availability:
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here