Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
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It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
If you want my opinion ask my wife
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”