Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
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Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Your secret is safeish with me
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁