Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
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My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.