Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
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I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.