Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
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DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Is this a threat?
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?