shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
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me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.