it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
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Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving