Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
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What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.