[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
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*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Cndnsd Mlk
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.