There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
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I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.