Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
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I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.