*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
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cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
The funk soul brother
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Autocorrect is my menesis