The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
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WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!