Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
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are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year