Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
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I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.