I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
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I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
This forever.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
LOOOOOOL
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Life cycle of cat
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere