james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
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Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
watergate? u mean a dam??
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.