me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
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If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.