my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
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[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
There’s always that one guy
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.