“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
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Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
“That’s what” – She
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.