You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
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*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.