*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
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What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
It’s the weekend y’all
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old: