Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
You Might Also Like
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
🐕🍷
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*