Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
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Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.