Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
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paddle faster i hear baby shark
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
A double negative is a big no-no.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.