Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
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Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?