I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
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Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway