I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
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the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
become ungovernable
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
When I laugh on my period
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.