when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
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Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
#TopTip
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374