my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
You Might Also Like
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.