I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
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North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
I have two kinds of followers