Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
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Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.