I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
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I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Is….Is this an option?
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
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