When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
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Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Well, this explains it:
💻🤡
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again