I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
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Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
the best thing i’ve ever made
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun