Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
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HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
The absolute effort that went into this omg
How do you like your Corgi?
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?