I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
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Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?