Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
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Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁