“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
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Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Just a bush.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*