Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
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Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
#oldknees
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.