Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
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How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.