My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
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I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.