I just died πππππ
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Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
πΆ Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-ohβ¦
Itβs so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a womanβs purse and a pocket knife.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death Iβm allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
It wasnβt no corona till yβall started balancing brooms in the house, yβall let the devil in
As I get older, I donβt refer to myself as βwell seasonedβ.
Iβm more βfermentedβ.
Email from the PTA tells me if I donβt join, I βwill not be allowed inside the school to assist with the childrenβs class partiesβ & itβs like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Dennyβs for setting off firecrackers.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm